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Confidence

There are many times that I think to myself, what am I doing? Who do I think I am? It isn’t a matter of who I am but what I am doing or why am I doing it. It leaves me feeling incapable and worthless. I doubt myself for what I have done and the choices I have made. Fast forward and I am in a rut eating chips on the couch binge watching tv. This isn’t me. This isn’t what I enjoy but I feel stuck and lost. I feel like I can’t do anything right, so why do anything at all.

This is usually when I tell myself, just do something. One thing. Anything. Just make a choice. So I go shower. I don’t feel great and I definitely don’t feel happy, but I did something. Now make another choice. So I eat toast. Nothing extravagant, I don’t have that much in me. Cooking can be hard. So instead I just do something. Eat something. Afterwards, ok next best decision for me. One at a time.

This gets me through the rut I was in but I am left with a lingering doubt in myself. Confidence is the ability to see oneself in a positive light and know you can handle whatever comes at you. It is a skill. Much like any other skill, it needs to be practiced. What would it be like for you to practice confidence? What would it look like? For me, it looks like holding my head high, taking up space and making a decision best for myself. It isn’t knowing that it will work out or that it is the right decision. it is knowing I have the resilience and ability to handle it.

At first it seems like I am faking it until I make it. But it is intentional work I put forward to ensure I am developing that skill. Sometimes I need to tweak how I use confidence or what it looks like but over time, it becomes more automatic and less intentional. Before you know it, you are confident instead of using confidence and that feeling. Wow. It is something else I tell you.

Let’s set up a strategy to build your confidence and get you out of the rut and into the wow!

Resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/basics/confidence

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/confidence

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Starting something new

Whenever I start something new, I am so excited. I want to rush head first into it and get everything done all at the same time. I know this strategy doesn’t work and isn’t effective but I do it anyway. Why is that?

Past behaviours and experiences are how we set our expectations based on learned pathways. It all starts with the biology of it all. Starting something new means I draw on my past experiences and what worked in the past. The reinforced pathway. I always start this way and the starting point is always the positive point. Therefore there is no reason to change it and I have this strong learned pathway to go head strong into it.

But, the next part, oh the next part. It is the one where I start to doubt myself. It might look like…What am I doing? Who thought this was a good idea? I thought I could do this? What was I thinking…. It stems from the ultimate feeling of not being good enough. And that feeling, it sucks. It doesn’t do me any good. I can see you shaking your head at home while you’re reading this. You know that feeling. Maybe it looks a lot like me.

Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

What if I told you, we could change that. Would you believe me? What if we created a new pathway so that your go to wasn’t that up and down spike? It can be done. Now, it takes effort and strength and commitment. I’m not talking the whole climbing everest or running a marathon effort, but conscious and deliberate attempt to change. Sound doable?

If so, reach out to me to learn more. Got 15 minutes?

I hate myself!

I used to always berate myself when I made a mistake. Often in my head but sometimes out loud. Like not in I am going to hurt myself way but in the acknowledging I suck way. Am I making sense? I found my go to strategy was to act first. Criticize myself before someone else gets a chance to. This way I am in control. I win!

But do I? Honestly? That means I am surrounded by criticism. All the things I do wrong. All the things I suck at. All the reasons why I am not special. Guess what though? I started to believe it. Slowly it chipped away my armor (self worth) until I was less able to cope with myself.

But ok. I got this. I can do this. I am in control! I can turn this around. So I use it to motivate me. I get goals, some I achieve! ๐Ÿฅณ and some I don’t ๐Ÿ˜ญ. But no matter how many accomplishments I made, the voice inside my head said it wasn’t good enough. Have you heard that voice before? “So what? Not big deal. Anyone can do that. Look at what you didn’t do.”

It felt like a losing battle. I was trying everything: affirmations, focusing on one thing, ignoring it, staying in bed all day, filling up my day completely, never being alone, … What was the answer. It felt bigger then my capabilities. Was I failing as a human?

So I did the one thing I was dreading, therapy. Why would a therapist need a therapist? So embarassing!๐Ÿคจ๐Ÿ˜จ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ž

Wow! I couldn’t believe it worked.

Stay tuned for pt 2….

What am I doing wrong

Why does it always feel like I am doing something wrong? Why can’t it be easier. I just….urg…. I am just not good at this.

The frustration builds. Anger. Resentment. You beat yourself up. You deep even worse. Defeated. Tired.

What if I told you this is a perfectly normal response? What if I told you we can teach you the patterns so you can do something about it.

First thing first. It is not your fault! Repeat with me… I am not too blame. My body is doing what it supposed to do. I can teach my body to reverse it. I got this.

Phew. Now that’s done. Lets talk to learn more! Reach out now and lets start your journey

I just want to see someone

Often times when we decide to finally make that step to reach out we are met with ongoing waitlist or waiting for a response back. We finally get the courage to make a step and we are momentum is stopped.

What if it didn’t have to be that way? What if you can see someone right away and hear back same day? Is it possible?

My practice has immediate openings for consults and appointments. You can reach me and take next steps with no frustration or aggravation Just a plan of action to move forward. Sound to good to be true?

Email me to start: info@ashleyneveupsychotherapy.ca

Right or Wrong

Trying to figure out what is the right or wrong? What is the next best decision? How do I know if I go left or right? Do I say something or do I not?

Photo by Pedro Figueras on Pexels.com

This type of uncertainty can plague a person into trying to figure out what is the best case scenario for them. It plants seeds of doubt and that means that we always question ourselves. So how do we build confidence with all this doubt or questions in our head?

We have to start by knowing ourselves. What do we believe in, what is important to ourselves, what do we expect from ourselves and so on. A lot of these questions are things that we think we know but in reality unless we take the time to reflect on them, we don’t have a clear understanding of it. This unclear understanding means it makes our mind foggy which then makes decisions and confidence unclear.

I’m not saying that once we spend time reflecting on ourselves everything will be crystal clear and easy. Let’s be fair, life is not easy. But if we know what is important to ourselves, we can guide ourselves toward that goal. The questions we are asked aren’t the concern. We find the answer by moving toward those things that are important to us. This is why we can ask everyone their opinions but unless they are related to our own, it doesn’t hold as much weight.

So let’s start knowing ourselves and asking ourselves some of the tough questions. This can mean you may need to take some time to figure it out and it may be easier for you. You can be on this journey alone or you can have someone walk along with you. Either way, enjoy the process and allow yourself to feel all the good, the bad and the ugly that comes with it.

I don’t understand!

I don’t get it. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?

I can’t handle this. It’s too much. I’m not strong enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not good enough. I’m nothing. I’m empty.

I felt that one day. Sometimes multiple days. Sometimes in a row and sometimes completely out of the blue. And it kills me. It runs right through me. Now I was still able to get out of bed, go to work, pretend I was ok. But I was a mess. I was distracted. I was on edge. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I would get angry at the littlest things. I couldn’t stop myself from telling myself everything that was wrong, everything I was missing out on and everything which would be better without me.

But you what is true about it? Nothing! Our minds are not our friends and we treat our thoughts as if they’re facts. They aren’t. Their just thoughts. And having a thought doesn’t mean you are the thought. It’s just a thought. That’s it.

So what do you need to get to the other side of the situation I described above? Strategies. Learning new skills. That’s where I come in. Together we can learn effective strategies that work for you and in doing so create opportunities to move out of the hole. And the best part? You don’t have to do it alone. I’m with you every step of the way.

And don’t worry, eventually you won’t need me. You will be on the other side confident and able to tackle what life throws you. So why not start getting you to where you want to be.

Reach out for a free consult and we can discuss together!

Vacation

Isn’t summer beautiful? Doesn’t it make you so positive and full of happiness. Some of that stems from being able to get outside and be comfortable (minus the humid weather). Enjoy youraelf whether that means bbq and a beer or relaxing on a beach.

For myself, our blended family just went camping for the first time. Let me tell you four kids and 3 tents and a dog makes for quite the adventure. So what do I remember? I remember being outside, working together, and doing a little bit of what everyone likes to do.

Does that mean we were happy all the time? Nope. I’m realistic. There were arguments, there were disagreements. There was being uncomfortable and cold. I mean the nights were cold. But I don’t dwell on the negative. I asserted myself where I felt was needed and let things go in others. I choose to remember the positives and work within what I chose. Now its in my control and I am much happier about it.

So how do I do it? If any of this resonates with you, reach out and lets have a chat. I had to learn and adapt and so can you. I can help you get to where you want to be.

Losing my SH*T

Have you ever felt confident you have everything under control only to have the slightest thing push you over the edge?

That’s me. Right now. Seriously crying. Like ugly crying.

Whats worse is I tell myself you know the strategies. You help people for a living! What’s wrong with you. And there it is….somethings wrong. I’m wrong. I’m not good enough.

That hurts! If that even describes how it feels. I have a giant boulder in my stomach and pressure in my head. My eyes want to cry tears of release but my mind is fighting it. I’m stronger than that. But am I?

Yes I am but right now I don’t believe it and my thoughts are racing back and forth. I’m getting tired. Its exhausting.

Regardless of what happened or what set you off, this is a biological response. My body is doing what it is supposed to. Protect me! Honestly!

So what do I do. I slow down and take care if myself. Just the next right step for me. That’s good enough! I’m good enough.

If you can relate to any of this post, I can help turn that pain and exhaustion into steps of healing. Imagine the pressure in your head gone, the tears dried up and the boulder giving way to space and freedom. Together we can make that a reality.

You don’t have to do it alone and you don’t have to be in pain. Contact me to take that next right step for you.

I’ve never been where you are

Truly, I have never been where you are, so I am not going to pretend that I have. I have only been where my life has taken me and oh boy, do I have some stories. But this is your story. Would you believe me if I said that no one knows 100% what you are facing? Even a sibling who has similar experiences and upbringing doesn’t experience the world the exact same. It is what makes us completely unique.

So I need to learn things through your eyes. What did you experience, how did you perceive it, remember it, etc. These small factors can make a difference in understanding someone’s point of view. Sometimes we are fully aware, sometimes not. Sometimes our focus is shifted or altered. Our memory at times may even suck. That’s ok. We will work with what we have and we will learn to grow in ways we want to improve.

But from day one I can guarantee that I am in your corner. You are not alone and you don’t have to figure it out on your own. So regardless of the obstacle in front of you, you know that you have resources in your corner to turn to until the day that you have learned them and you don’t need me anymore. That is the ultimate goal!