Pt 2…. I hate myself

It worked. I felt better. I was gaining confidence. I dare even said I liked myself again. I knew I was worth it and I knew I was making a difference. I was happy.

Then it slapped me in the face. Rejection. Fear. Envy. Ahhh! So I spiraled. I did all the coping things I did before. I pushed myself away from everyone. I made myself small. I proved to myself everything I thought was wrong with me with evidence. Evidence my brain made up, but evidence nonetheless. It was only a day. But a day turned into days into a week into weeks.

I cancelled my appts. I was tired. I felt I needed to rest. I was overwhelmed. I needed time to myself. So I took it… the extreme. I took too much. I didn’t listen to myself once I had filled that bucket. So now it was stuck overflowing. Now I felt back to where I started.

What do I do now? That first step. You know the one you should do and know will be good for you deep down but you do everything to avoid it or try every option other than that. Yeah I did that. I tried everything except book an appt with my therapist. I was embarrassed. I regressed. I only wanted them to see me as successful.

So I waited. And waited. And waited. I tried something else then something else and something else until I was left so drained and alone. I made the call. Will email actually let’s be real here. I booked it. It was still two weeks out but it was booked. I did it. Yay me!

Oh crap but now I have to tell them. Now I have to be real and honest and face it. No, no, no, no, no. 😬. Insert panic here. How am I going to do that…. What am I going to say.

So it lit a fire under my butt. I started my mental health walks. Showering. Eating better. Sleeping less. Increasing water (decreasing coffee).

And guess what? I started feeling better. I was so focused (ok scared) of facing my therapist, I started doing what I needed to do all along. Doing right by me. Slowly and intentionally. Napping still included.

By the time I reached my appt. I was good again. Phew. I wasn’t a lump but a shining big rock. Look at me go!!

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