I hate myself!

I used to always berate myself when I made a mistake. Often in my head but sometimes out loud. Like not in I am going to hurt myself way but in the acknowledging I suck way. Am I making sense? I found my go to strategy was to act first. Criticize myself before someone else gets a chance to. This way I am in control. I win!

But do I? Honestly? That means I am surrounded by criticism. All the things I do wrong. All the things I suck at. All the reasons why I am not special. Guess what though? I started to believe it. Slowly it chipped away my armor (self worth) until I was less able to cope with myself.

But ok. I got this. I can do this. I am in control! I can turn this around. So I use it to motivate me. I get goals, some I achieve! ๐Ÿฅณ and some I don’t ๐Ÿ˜ญ. But no matter how many accomplishments I made, the voice inside my head said it wasn’t good enough. Have you heard that voice before? “So what? Not big deal. Anyone can do that. Look at what you didn’t do.”

It felt like a losing battle. I was trying everything: affirmations, focusing on one thing, ignoring it, staying in bed all day, filling up my day completely, never being alone, … What was the answer. It felt bigger then my capabilities. Was I failing as a human?

So I did the one thing I was dreading, therapy. Why would a therapist need a therapist? So embarassing!๐Ÿคจ๐Ÿ˜จ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ž

Wow! I couldn’t believe it worked.

Stay tuned for pt 2….

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